Having "The Conversation"

We all age. It is an undeniable fact of life.

Regrettably, discussions about planning for our Golden Years frequently do not occur. And, if they do, they rarely happen soon enough.

Comfort Keepers® has written this page in order to suggest ways to surmount the anxiety that often prevents seniors and their children from starting these necessary conversations. These can include topics such as home safety, driving, end-of-life determinations, health care, finances, and long-term elder care.

It is imperative to prepare thoroughly and consider the details of each discussion in order to make the experience as productive and positive as possible. Keep a list of topics you need to talk about so you don’t miss anything.

What’s more, you shouldn’t limit this significant event to one conversation; instead it should be handled as a series of discussions. Instead of trying to tackle everything all at once, talk about one issue at a time. Not only is it less daunting, but it also will increase the likelihood that you’ll start talking about these important issues.

Please use the following tips to help start the discussion:

  • Start sooner rather than later. The senior’s health should let them fully contribute to the discussion and talk about their preferences for homecare. Don’t let these important decisions be determined by dramatic life events. Otherwise, the choices might not reflect your parent’s desires.
  • Pick a moment and location that is comfortable for all. Don’t schedule it during holiday and birthday celebrations, or other family gatherings. Pick a time when you’re not constrained by other responsibilities so that your discussion can be calm and leisurely, allowing your senior enough time to communicate his/her preferences.
  • Involve multiple family members, but be sure to meet beforehand so that everyone’s priorities are aligned and you prevent a fruitless, difficult conversation.
  • Avoid an intimidating conversation by making it clear you have your parent’s interests at heart and you want to know how to best help him/her. Make it clear that you want to help your parent put his/her plans into writing so that they are definitely followed. Also, it’s easier to start talking about long-term planning if you ask about anything they might need help with, like paying bills, doing yard work, or performing home maintenance tasks.
  • Communicate effectively. Don’t invade you parent’s personal space, but get close and keep good eye contact. Being close fosters trust and makes it easier to communicate with an even, controlled tone of voice.
  • Share a story about yourself. For instance, talk about your estate planning or retirement as a way to smoothly transition to a discussion about your parent’s ideas for his/her future. You could also start the conversation by talking about a relative or friend’s medical emergency.
  • Inquire about important documents and records. Make sure you know where your parent keeps critical papers such as powers of attorney, living wills, tax returns, banking documents, trust documents, wills, and insurance policies. Reassure your parent that you want to be ready to lend a helping hand when required. This is also an opportunity to learn what plans are ready and what still needs to be completed.
  • Use open-ended questions to prompt the senior to talk about his/her thoughts. Listen carefully and find out what he/she feels is most important.
  • Present choices, not recommendations. If you ask questions about you parent’s preferences and suggest multiple options, your parent will feel more involved and be better able to exercise independence and control.
  • Be respectful. Make sure the senior is an active participant in the discussion by being a partner with your parent. Be a good listener and defer to your parent’s need to maintain independence and control. Resist the inclination to switch roles during the conversation. If you act like the parent, he/she might resist your attempts to start the conversation.
  • Start simple. As recommended before, don’t try to make every decision during the first conversation. Your objectives should be to start a continuing, open discourse about your parent’s future, to communicate information, and to learn your parent’s preferences and needs so that good choices can be made.
  • Get others involved if your parent refuses to join the conversation. Your parent might be more receptive to counseling from a revered non-family member, like a clergyman, a doctor, a geriatric care manager (www.caremanager.org), representative of an area agency on aging (www.n4a.org) or neighbor and friends who have already gone through similar circumstances.

Seniors May Kick Off the Discussion, Too

If you are a senior who wants to plan for your future, it is not necessary to wait for someone else to start the conversation. Frequently, adult children don’t want to acknowledge that their parents are aging and are hesitant to start the conversation.

  • Get the ball rolling. If the daily activities of life – bathing, driving, managing your money, etc. - are becoming difficult, you should start talking to your doctor. Furthermore, talk to your family about it and ask for their help and guidance.
  • Communicate you needs and wishes to your family and friends. Do you want to remain in your home with the aid of a professional caregiver who can help with certain household tasks? If it’s getting harder to prepare healthful meals, would you rather have meals delivered or have someone cook for you in your home?
  • Get to know available services that can help you as you get older. Geriatric care managers, doctors, social workers, and other healthcare professionals can help you with this. Additionally, your local Council or Area Agency on Aging can give you listings of services in your region.

Approaching a Parent About Handing Over the Car Keys

Driving is usually considered an integral part of living independently. However, driving ability decreases as we get older. In 2007, the U.S. Government Accountability Office reported that, based on miles driven, senior drivers “are more likely to be involved in a fatal crash than all but the youngest drivers.”

Therefore, eventually families must talk with older loved ones about stopping driving for the safety of themselves and others. How is it possible to curtail the senior’s feelings of bitterness over lost independence?

Comfort Keepers proposes these suggestions:

  • Gather evidence. If you believe it’s safe, take a ride with your parent at the wheel of the car. Find out if your suspicions are correct or not. Your parent may be safer behind the wheel than you thought. On the other hand, if you were right to be suspicious, you will have some evidence to point to when you start the conversation.
  • Point to recent news stories – national or local – about car crashes brought about by senior drivers. This provides a nice segue into a conversation about your parents driving.
  • Speak with compassion. Be very clear that your only concern is for your parent’s well-being and safety.
  • Seek help from others when it becomes difficult to persuade your parent by yourself. Often, local motor vehicle bureaus provide driving assessments for senior drivers. The elder’s doctor can also do an examination and prescribe the senior to stop driving because of safety concerns. You can also get an encouraging voice of understanding from a friend who already gave up the car keys.
  • Provide substitutes to driving. For example, maybe someone can volunteer to drive your parent to the grocery store or to church. Other friends and family members can lend a helping hand as well. Alternatively, you could recommend a professional caregiving company, like Comfort Keepers, which can give clients rides to appointments and other needs.